loneliness

What’s is that in your hand?

/ bekoepke / Leave a comment

The world has gone absolutely mad lately. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even feel like I can have the news on when my girls are in the room because of the mass shootings, riots, gender issues, abortion talk, and everything else that I really don’t feel that they need to be exposed to just yet. It’s heartbreaking to see how much the world has changed just since 2020. Not only is the evil in this world reaching an exponential level, but the amount of depression, anxiety, and general unhappiness of people seems to also be increasing.

Technology has made things so much easier, however, the easier life seems to get, the less fulfilled people seem to be. This is blaringly evident as a public school teacher. I see each year the damage social media does to kids. The comparison mentality, the need to fit in, the absolute desire for something to go “viral”, and the willingness to do just about anything to be a part of the crowd. Now, all of these things (minus the going viral thing) have always existed among humanity, but until recent years, the ability to see other people parade the best parts of their lives 24/7 has not always existed. Sadly, the need to compare ourselves to others tends to keep so many people from fulfilling their God-given calling, in my opinion anyways. If you are chasing a dollar or chasing likes and fame, you may be missing out on the hidden place God may want you to be.

It struck me the other day how often God met with people in the middle of nowhere all throughout scripture. As a matter of fact, I have yet to find the verse stating that we have to be inside a church building to hear from God. Abraham was in his tent when God told him to step outside and look at the stars before promising him descendants (see Genesis 15:5), Jesus was led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit (see Matthew 4:1), Hagar met with an angel of the Lord in the desert (see Genesis16:7), Elijah was in a cave hiding when God sought him out (see 1 Kings 19), and Moses was spoken to out of a burning bush in the middle of nowhere when he was tending sheep. As far as I can tell, God likes to meet with us in the places where there are no distractions. That isn’t to say He can’t speak to us in the middle of a crowd, He definitely can, but there are some really tremendous encounters that we may be missing out on if we always allow ourselves to be distracted.

I love what God does with Moses in Exodus 4. At this point, God has told him that he will go back to Egypt to set free the Israelites. Moses proceeds to argue with God about how he is not the right man for the job and God does something incredible. He says to Moses starting in verse 2, “What is that in your hand?”, referring to his shepherd’s staff. He used the very tools of the trade for Moses to perform a miracle (hint: it turns into a snake). I think that little story is maybe something cute that we have colored a picture of or saw it flannel graphed in children’s church, but maybe we are missing a little something from the story. Moses wasn’t a preacher, he was a shepherd (also a murderous fugitive if you recall). God doesn’t require all of us to go to seminary to do great things for Him. He will use the tools of our trade, just like the staff of Moses, to accomplish His will. As a teacher, I try to keep this in mind. It doesn’t matter if I am not teaching Biblical studies, He can use a math or science lesson or simply a conversation with a student to speak His truths. The same is true of any job. Maybe you feeling alone in your job or position, is exactly the wilderness that God needs to have you in so that he can reveal His truths to you.

So, let me ask you the same question God asked Moses, “What is that in your hand?”

Maybe an even more important follow-up question: What will you use it for?

The Loneliness of Mary

/ bekoepke / Leave a comment

I love Christmas! However this Christmas felt a little weird. It has been so windy here that we weren’t even able to do much outside yesterday without being miserable. Instead, we had a pretty lazy day watching movies and just hanging out around the house. As I watched all the movies it occurred to me how romanticized Christmas has become. Either it is this magical thing that revolves around Santa and gifts, or it is almost presented as a fairy tale when it comes to the story of Jesus.

I don’t think either of those ends of the spectrum really do the holiday justice. I even worry about my own kids. I don’t want them to miss out on the fun parts of Christmas, but I also want to make sure that they know what the day really means. I have to work hard myself to not lose the real meaning in the mess of the hustle and bustle.

Reflection on Our Blessed Mother, Mary – Diocese of Orlando, Florida

It occured to me this year as I was reading back through the story of Jesus’ birth how lonely Mary must have felt. In the modern world we live in, we are so much more accepting of teenage, unwed mothers. However, in Mary’s day that would have been enough to get her stoned in the street. We tend to glaze over it calling her blessed among women, which she is, but she probably didn’t feel that way at the time.

*disclaimer: this is simply my thoughts and opinions on the issue, not necessarily stated in scripture*

Picture if a teen girl tried to convince you that her pregnancy was the Son of God, not the result of her indiscretions. I imagine that there was a lot of rumors, dirty looks, and down right cruelty from the people in town. I would also imagine that may be part of the reason that she went and stayed with her relative Elizabeth for 3 months (see Luke 1:56).

It is no secret that women can be cruel to each other. To be perfectly honest, I have struggled my whole life to have close, intimate female friendships that went any deeper than surface level. That is largely because women are sometimes vindictive and hold onto grudges. This isn’t to paint women in a bad light, it is simply something that I sadly have experienced too many times. As I think of Mary, I believe she endured a tremendous amount of cruel words and accusations. Mary really had no one but Elizabeth who could possibly understand a miracle pregnancy. It was probably a pretty lonely place to be. Now, I am sure that Joseph did his best to understand and listen to Mary, but I bet there were times where she just wept because she felt alone. I think that all of the frustrations she likely dealt with during her pregnancy are largely part of the reason she “treasured in her heart” so many of the things after Jesus was born (see Luke 2:19 and 2:49-51).

Although none of us are pregnant with the Messiah (he doesn’t come back that way), I believe that we all carry our own burdens and frustrations. In this world of social media and cell phones, we are more connected than ever but in many ways so much more alone. We all carry things that we feel no one really understands, and they likely don’t. It makes me so sad how disconnected we can become from each other. However, just like He did for Mary, God does have a greater plan. We are never promised a life with no frustrations. We can, however, take heart knowing that rather than repeating the cycle of pain, we can use our own pain as a catalyst to be more empathetic and compassionate to others. I imagine that Mary had a soft place in her heart for the rest of her life for women who were unwed and pregnant. I also imagine that she probably tried to give people the benefit of the doubt before passing judgement. The compassion of Jesus shows that his mother was a compassionate person.

My prayer as we enter the new year, is that any pain, disappointment, or frustration that we may be dealing with, may be the very thing that in the year 2022, will lead us to the next level of what God has for us.

Focus on the Narrow Road

/ bekoepke / Leave a comment

If you have been a Christian for any amount of time, you know that praying isn’t always an easy thing to do. Oh, don’t get me wrong. There are times when life is going good that we can tend to get over confident in our own abilities. Our prayers can become hollow and really we start to trust in ourselves more than God. Check that box, I know I am guilty of that from time to time. However, when we deal with hard things, that often drives us into a more genuine prayer life.

Unfortunately, no matter what translation of the Bible you look at, there is never a place where it says “Follow me, this path is easy”. Instead, it says, “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14 NIV.

Narrow Road - North Maui Photograph by Amy Fose

Well, that’s encouraging.

Have you ever travelled on a narrow road? I know that I have. When you travel on a narrow road you have to take your time. It isn’t a freeway where you can set the cruise control and go without having to make a whole lot of adjustments. If that narrow road happens to be in rough terrain, you have to really slow down. You may even have to pull over and watch someone else pass you by from time to time. You can’t proceed faster than you are able, or you will likely wreck.

Our spiritual journey is like that. Sometimes we are able to roll very smoothly at a good pace. Other times, we take a hairpin turn and feel like we are headed in the exact wrong direction. That is when our prayer life needs to really kick in. So why not look at the model prayer for a little advice? I am referring to the Lord’s prayer that millions around the world have memorized and repeat often (See Matthew 6). However, there are a few key things in that prayer that should cause us to pause a little bit.

First it says to “give us this day our daily bread”. That is something that we as Americans struggle with big time, meaning I struggle with it big time. For proof of that look no further than the toilet paper extravaganza of 2020. We can’t even trust that we will have enough toilet paper without hoarding it, how are we ever going to trust God daily for something as basic as what we eat. That’s hard for me. I struggle when we get close to the end of the month and the cabinets start looking bare before I get to the store (I am a nerd who prefers to only shop once a month if possible). But we are not called to trust God for our monthly or weekly grocery trip, we are called to trust Him daily for our most basic necessities.

The second thing that can be tough in that prayer is where Jesus goes on to say “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors”. That is scary. Some translations say forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. That’s terrifying. I don’t want to be forgiven in the way I forgive people sometimes. That should make us pause and think about who we may be holding unforgiveness toward. Jesus even goes on to say that if we forgive others, God will forgive us. But, if we don’t forgive others, God will also not forgive us.

Despite those challenging topics though, Jesus tells us that when we pray God already knows our needs. He does care about us, but he cares about us growing and becoming more Christ-like in the process. Jesus never once promises that He will always say yes to our requests. After all, also in the Lord’s prayer, it also says “may YOUR will be done” (emphasis mine). Believe it or not, our will is not always the same as God’s will. My prayer is that as I grow in my faith, my will will be in line with that of the Father’s. However, sometimes that is hard when we just don’t understand.

This year has been a year full of disappointments, frustrations, and loss. I find myself sometimes wavering in my own faith when things get tough, or when I feel like my prayers are not being answered. But I hold onto what God told Job when he felt the same way: “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much.” Job 38:4 NLT.

Wow….that puts things in perspective. If God created the heavens and the earth and keeps the sun rising and setting every single day, I know that he is in control. We must reach a point where we can trust in that, no matter what the world looks like around us.

Tough Days

/ bekoepke / Leave a comment

Frazzled Mom Cartoon Clipart | Tired mom, Frazzled mom, Busy mom

We are living in a very strange time right now. I have to admit, I am a little bit of a hermit in my normal life (as much as is possible as a public school teacher surrounded by people all day). I cherish the moments I get alone with no one demanding of me, whether it is a high schooler needing help on a math problem, or my own 3 children. However, this is different. This “social distancing” isolation thing is not the same as me shutting my classroom door during the lunch period to get work done and have a few moments alone to listen to my podcasts. No, this world that we are in proves what God himself said in the very beginning, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him- a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.” Genesis 2:18 AMP

As humans, we need each other. We thrive when we are together and able to interact. On the other hand, when we are alone we tend to struggle. That is when depression and discouragement take hold. We need others to build us up.

Today was one of those tough days for me. I am fortunately not alone in my “social distancing”, I have my husband and 3 girls who keep me on my toes. However, I do miss the “outside” world. I miss my rare date nights going out with my husband. I miss having coworkers to talk to and joke around with without staring at a computer screen to do it. I miss going to the grocery store without feeling like you are in a war zone because everyone around you is wearing masks.

Today was one of those days where I looked around the house that I have cleaned 3 or 4 times already this week that looks like an explosion of crumbs, toys, shoes, and dirty laundry…again. It was a day that I have already done two loads of dishes, and probably need to do another. Today was a day where I should have been at church hugging friends and instead, I was stuck in the messy house staring at a screen pretending like it is the same thing. We all know it isn’t.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful for the technology we do have to be able to interact virtually. As a matter of fact, I have loved getting to “attend” other churches in neighboring towns because of the fact that everyone is now live streaming their services. I have really enjoyed that. I also appreciate that I have the means to text or call someone. But like I said, it’s not the same.

So what’s the solution?

I have no idea. To be honest with you, I am only writing this because I felt like I am probably not the only one feeling the same way. I think that we all now realize how much we have taken human interaction for granted. I never valued the interruptions I had when I was trying to get work done at school like I do now. I also never valued how good it felt to go to a grocery store or restaurant without feeling like I may just be swimming in a sea of germs (even though we always have been, just never thought about it).

If nothing else, I hope that we all come out of this appreciating each other a little bit more. I know that even though my kiddos are messy, I do appreciate the fact that I get to experience more little moments with them, like today when my sweet 4 year old finally mastered pedalling a bike. I have also loved seeing them learn more about reptiles because of the lizard, horny toad, and frogs they have found while playing outside. There are definitely blessings coming out of this pandemic.

My prayer right now is for every lonely person whether they are surrounded by family or don’t have anyone else around. I pray for the depressed and the discouraged. Know that even in your loneliest moment, God is there.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Paradigm Shift: A Challenge Update

/ bekoepke / Leave a comment

Image result for grateful"

A few days ago, I shared a gratitude challenge (see my blog post Take the Challenge).  I thought I would give a little update on how it is going for me so far.

Soooo, you know the saying “easier said than done”? Yeah, that’s me. It is so easy to talk about putting gratitude into practice on a regular basis. Actually doing it is a completely different thing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have put some of the things into practice. For example, I did write a few thank you notes, and made a point to thank others for things they had done to help me.

Then Saturday hit.

It’s a funny thing, Saturdays. As a young 20-something newlywed with no kids, I looked forward to my Saturdays. Saturday meant I could sleep in, watch a movie, go on a date, and pretty much do whatever I wanted. Then we had three kids. Sleeping in is a thing of the past because I have kids who like to rise early. Saturdays now mean massive amounts of laundry, dishes, and catching up on housework all while trying to keep kids from making more of a mess or massively slowing me down with all their needs. The gratitude train got a bit derailed on Saturday. Actually, in the spirit of being completely honest, that train hit a cliff and burned completely to the ground. I allowed myself to enter into a pretty negative space mentally. I started internally (and to get real honest, externally too) grumbling and complaining about all that needed to be done. By the end of the day, I was a complete grump and ungrateful to the core. I ended up going to bed pretty early just because I was exhausted. Truth be told, that’s what I really needed anyways, because for about the last 2 weeks, my 3 year old has come in during the middle of the night pretty much every night and I had been a bit sleep deprived because of it.

Now, I didn’t really realize how ungrateful I was being until Sunday morning rolled around. My church participates each year in Operation Christmas Child and my family always packs 3 girl boxes (because I have 3 girls). When I was getting the boxes ready to bring to church, my girls were looking at everything and wanting all of it. My middle child started to really complain and pitched a fit about wanting what was in those boxes. This momma lost her cool. I was appalled at how my kids were acting. I explained to them that these boxes were going to little kids who didn’t get Christmas gifts. I told them that a lot of the kids that receive the boxes are extremely poor and may not even have enough food. I felt like such a failure as a mom because of the entitled way my kids were acting.

That’s when it hit me. I had the conviction come down on me like a flood. I am the one who has taught them to not appreciate what they have. It is little wonder that they grumble when they have to clean up all their toys, when I have been their model. There is little wonder why they don’t appreciate all they have, when I don’t always show that appreciation myself. I have to have a paradigm shift to see that even though I do have lots of laundry and dishes to do, I am blessed to live in a place where I have machines to do the hard work for me. I have to realize that even though my kids make lots of messes, I have healthy, active kids who love to play. I also have to remember that even though I do have a lot of housework to do on the weekends, I have a home and don’t have to worry about where I will sleep each night.

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Learning how to see the pile of laundry as a blessing!

So, I am adding to my challenge after this weekend. I want to model gratitude for my girls. I want to show them what it is like to be thankful. I’m really not sure how I will do it, but I do know that it is so important to me that my girls learn from a young age to be thankful for what they have been given I think I will start by being more thankful to them when they do things to help each other and me.

So my question to you is how do you train up your children to be grateful? I would love some ideas from people who, like me, are in the trenches, as well as those of you who have made it through parenthood and are on the other side.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17 NIV

 

20-20 Vision Through the Rearview Mirror

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Image result for rearview mirror quote

The end of August marked 10 full years since I had a major course correction in my life. Looking back now, it seems like an eternity ago. But in that moment, it was the most terrifying thing I had endured up until that point in my life. That moment was when I was laid off from a job I really enjoyed because the company was closing my location.

The whirlwind of emotions I experienced at that time were absolutely overwhelming. The most prevalent, of course, being fear. Fear of my immediate future, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. What was I going to do? Where would I work? What were my husband and my finances going to look like? We had only been married for 2 years at that time, and for a young 20 something who thought she had her life figured out, the thoughts of starting over can be a scary thing.

God is really amazing in the ways that he prepared us for this transition. I found out several months earlier that this was going to happen. At that time, I was even given the opportunity to stay with the company, if I was willing to move. However, we really did not want to move, so I took the option of being laid off. Because of the amount time we had between when I was informed it was going to happen, and when it actually happened, we were able to get some preparations made, mainly with our finances. We were able to make it so that we could live off of 1 paycheck (my husband’s teacher/coach wages) and my severance pay for a short while while I searched for another job.

Although I did have a little bit of notice, nothing could fully prepare me for the flood of emotions I would experience during that time. A sense of loss and, at times, depression, overtook me. The job I lost was one I planned on staying in for the long haul. I truly had to mourn the death of a dream. I also had to dig in deep to find a way to trust God through the process. It wasn’t easy, but that time frame in my life has forever marked me and has made me the person I am today.

Things are often a little more clear when you look back than when you are looking forward. So, what advice could I possibly share 10 years later? Well, it’s advice I still have to remind myself of over and over again; Trust God through the process. It’s easy to trust, in theory, but when you are in the midst of uncertainty, it’s a bit tougher. Even now, I struggle with that. I struggle with change when I’m comfortable, and struggle with waiting for a change when it is something I desire. It can be a double edged sword. One thing that I always hold onto is that God has a plan, whether or not we always see it. And it is a good plan.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s Different For Girls

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20190815_190819

It’s been a while since I wrote a more personal blog specifically about my own experiences with motherhood, but after a conversation I had with my husband a while back, I thought it was time.

This particular conversation happened on a date night that, until about the last six months, has been a pretty rare thing. (When you live a ways away from family and have young children, dates are rare luxuries. Fortunately our girls are finally old enough it’s easier to get away for a few hours now). I was explaining to him some of the struggles I have from time to time with feeling lonely in my role as a mom. Now, this loneliness is not because he doesn’t help or isn’t around. Rather, it is more due to the lack of close, intimate, female friendships that I have at this stage of life. I explained that women, especially once we become mothers, have very different life experiences than our male counterparts when it comes to how we relate to each other and even how friendships look. I thought I would share some of the differences I see, in hopes that other mommas out there might find a little relief knowing we are all in this together. As a disclaimer, this is in no means intended to bash on women or children, but rather to explain some of the differences in hopes of shining light in dark areas of our human experience.

Freedom

As a mom, especially when children are very little, we often find ourselves not having freedom to just pick up and do whatever we want. When you have a newborn and are nursing a baby, you can’t be away from the baby (or the pump) for more than a couple of hours at a time. You are tethered to that child and no matter how helpful dad is, it isn’t the same as what you as a mom experience. Even after nursing ends, kids have a special bond with their mom, that can make it difficult to have the freedom to get time to yourself or get time to spend with friends. When my girls were really little I couldn’t do anything, including hauling trash outside, without someone tagging along, or having a meltdown if they couldn’t. I have actually had to sneak out of my own house on occasion when I did have to leave the house without my girls. My husband, on the other hand, can come and go as he pleases without inciting a major meltdown.

It’s different for girls.

Having a night out

My husband is really good about being willing to take care of the girls so that I can do what I need to do. During the conversation I mentioned earlier, he even told me that anytime I need a girls’ night with friends, to go for it. However, I explained to him that the problem isn’t so much the freedom to go as it is having people to go with. At this phase of life we are all either in the same boat of chaotic schedules with kids and it’s impossible to get our schedules to line up, or they don’t have kids and are in a completely different realm of life where needing to be home at a decent time doesn’t yet exist. It’s funny watching all the movies with the moms going on a girls’ night out because I know so few moms that actually ever do that. Especially moms like me who moved into town after all the friendship groups were already created.

It’s different for girls.

Walls

Beyond any logistical issues that may arise with friendships in the throws of motherhood, is probably the most difficult barrier to overcome; the walls that we as females put up, and often tend to live behind. I remember when my husband was coaching football and how all the men formed a brotherhood. They were a tight group that could poke at each other and still be best friends. They were all pretty confident guys who, for the most part, never felt the need to impress anyone. They were real with each other. As a coach’s wife, all of us women were together an awful lot as well. Although I always got along with everyone, the dynamics among the women were completely different.

Women are so much more guarded with each other than men are. It is often so hard to get to know another woman on anything more than surface level without years of relationship to slowly tear down those walls. We also tend to feel a sense of competition among each other. As a coach’s wife I often felt like I was looked at as less than when my husband coached at the junior high level, but was more of the group when he moved up to the high school. I know that it was never intentional, but women can be cruel without ever realizing it. We as women also feel like we need to show only our best selves, which hinders real, authentic relationships. Social media has only amplified that problem over the last 10 years. Women like to hide their flaws, while men often make fun of themselves for their flaws

It’s different for girls.

So what can we do? Honestly, I really don’t have an answer for that. I don’t think there is an easy solution. However, I really want to challenge women like me (and including me) to try to let your guard down a little. I know that so many of us have been wounded by friends in the past when we got too real and vulnerable (myself included). Yet, we will never have an authentic relationship if we ourselves can’t be authentic. Get to know those other mommas! Be vulnerable about your struggles and shortcomings. And, for crying out loud, quit competing and comparing and lets start encouraging each other. Motherhood is the hardest, sweetest, most frustrating, rewarding thing I have ever experienced. Find someone to share your experiences with.

It’s different for girls, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.20190817_210037