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It’s Different For Girls

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It’s been a while since I wrote a more personal blog specifically about my own experiences with motherhood, but after a conversation I had with my husband a while back, I thought it was time.

This particular conversation happened on a date night that, until about the last six months, has been a pretty rare thing. (When you live a ways away from family and have young children, dates are rare luxuries. Fortunately our girls are finally old enough it’s easier to get away for a few hours now). I was explaining to him some of the struggles I have from time to time with feeling lonely in my role as a mom. Now, this loneliness is not because he doesn’t help or isn’t around. Rather, it is more due to the lack of close, intimate, female friendships that I have at this stage of life. I explained that women, especially once we become mothers, have very different life experiences than our male counterparts when it comes to how we relate to each other and even how friendships look. I thought I would share some of the differences I see, in hopes that other mommas out there might find a little relief knowing we are all in this together. As a disclaimer, this is in no means intended to bash on women or children, but rather to explain some of the differences in hopes of shining light in dark areas of our human experience.

Freedom

As a mom, especially when children are very little, we often find ourselves not having freedom to just pick up and do whatever we want. When you have a newborn and are nursing a baby, you can’t be away from the baby (or the pump) for more than a couple of hours at a time. You are tethered to that child and no matter how helpful dad is, it isn’t the same as what you as a mom experience. Even after nursing ends, kids have a special bond with their mom, that can make it difficult to have the freedom to get time to yourself or get time to spend with friends. When my girls were really little I couldn’t do anything, including hauling trash outside, without someone tagging along, or having a meltdown if they couldn’t. I have actually had to sneak out of my own house on occasion when I did have to leave the house without my girls. My husband, on the other hand, can come and go as he pleases without inciting a major meltdown.

It’s different for girls.

Having a night out

My husband is really good about being willing to take care of the girls so that I can do what I need to do. During the conversation I mentioned earlier, he even told me that anytime I need a girls’ night with friends, to go for it. However, I explained to him that the problem isn’t so much the freedom to go as it is having people to go with. At this phase of life we are all either in the same boat of chaotic schedules with kids and it’s impossible to get our schedules to line up, or they don’t have kids and are in a completely different realm of life where needing to be home at a decent time doesn’t yet exist. It’s funny watching all the movies with the moms going on a girls’ night out because I know so few moms that actually ever do that. Especially moms like me who moved into town after all the friendship groups were already created.

It’s different for girls.

Walls

Beyond any logistical issues that may arise with friendships in the throws of motherhood, is probably the most difficult barrier to overcome; the walls that we as females put up, and often tend to live behind. I remember when my husband was coaching football and how all the men formed a brotherhood. They were a tight group that could poke at each other and still be best friends. They were all pretty confident guys who, for the most part, never felt the need to impress anyone. They were real with each other. As a coach’s wife, all of us women were together an awful lot as well. Although I always got along with everyone, the dynamics among the women were completely different.

Women are so much more guarded with each other than men are. It is often so hard to get to know another woman on anything more than surface level without years of relationship to slowly tear down those walls. We also tend to feel a sense of competition among each other. As a coach’s wife I often felt like I was looked at as less than when my husband coached at the junior high level, but was more of the group when he moved up to the high school. I know that it was never intentional, but women can be cruel without ever realizing it. We as women also feel like we need to show only our best selves, which hinders real, authentic relationships. Social media has only amplified that problem over the last 10 years. Women like to hide their flaws, while men often make fun of themselves for their flaws

It’s different for girls.

So what can we do? Honestly, I really don’t have an answer for that. I don’t think there is an easy solution. However, I really want to challenge women like me (and including me) to try to let your guard down a little. I know that so many of us have been wounded by friends in the past when we got too real and vulnerable (myself included). Yet, we will never have an authentic relationship if we ourselves can’t be authentic. Get to know those other mommas! Be vulnerable about your struggles and shortcomings. And, for crying out loud, quit competing and comparing and lets start encouraging each other. Motherhood is the hardest, sweetest, most frustrating, rewarding thing I have ever experienced. Find someone to share your experiences with.

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Book Review: More For Mom

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Being a mom is a harder job than I ever imagined it could be. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my girls. I love their individual personalities, the silly things they do, and how much they are growing and learning each year. What can prove to be a challenge though, is the daily grind. Each day, getting 3 girls and their hair ready, going to work, getting supper on the table, homework done, baths taken, and back in bed can be exhausting. For many women, that daily grind also includes athletic events, appointments, and all sorts of extracurriculars. As moms, we give so much of ourselves every single day, but often don’t take the time to enjoy the grind.

I am absolutely in love with my latest review book, More for Mom Living your Whole and Holy Life. The author, Kristin Funston, approaches the world a lot like I do. She uses a combination of common sense and humor to tackle many of the issues ALL women face (even those many of us won’t admit). She talks a lot about the mental games that so many of us women play, present company included. Sha also uses scripture to walk through the errors in some of our thinking, and to embolden us to live a whole and holy life.

My favorite thing about this book, and really the reason I think you might want to get ahold of it, is the sheer vulnerability of the author. In the “Christian” world, vulnerability is not always easy. Admitting faults and shortcomings, is not an easy thing to do. I try to be as honest as I can, but often find myself falling short of full vulnerability. I think that we need more of that in our lives. There is nothing more refreshing than having an honest conversation with other women about real life issues. Sadly, us women don’t often have those conversations.

I really hope you will check out this book and share it with all your girlfriends. I love this book so much that I will be giving away a copy of More for Mom on my Facebook page. Click here to enter.

App Review: Love Nudge App

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I am pretty excited to introduce you to a brand new app just in time for Valentine’s day. This is definitely not my typical review blog, but when I heard about this app, I really wanted to give it a try.

If you are familiar with the Five Love Languages that were developed by Gary Chapman (or even if you aren’t), you will want to check it out. When you first download the app, you will take a very simple quiz (that turned out spot on accurate for me) that will show you the breakdown of your love language profile. What’s really neat is that you can connect with your spouse in the app and see their love language profile. There are also resources that show you more information about each love language.

There is are places within the app where you can gauge how loved you feel each day and even set goals to show love to your spouse in creative ways (they help you out with ideas). You can even communicate with your spouse in the app.

This app definitely does not replace spending time with your spouse and communicating face to face. However, it is filled with good information and can serve as a great conversation starter.

Years ago, my husband and I went through the Five Love Languages small group study, and it was so interesting to see how as we have gotten older, our love languages have evolved. I would really encourage you and your spouse to give this app a try. Oh, and if you do you can win a Love Languages Book set (see below for link).


Download the LoveNudge App and be entered to win Dr. Gary Chapman’s #1 New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages®, The 5 Love Languages® for Men, AND The Love Languages Devotional Bible (hardback)! Go to https://www.blessedfreebies.com/lovenudge.html to enter and for more details

Not Exactly What I Expected

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This is my 7th year in a classroom. Had it not been for the 1 year hiatus I took a year and a half ago, it would be my 8th. Over those 7 years I have taught at least 800 students (probably more, I’ve lost track). I have taught everything from 6th grade to 12th grade and students from all walks of life and different cultures. If you know me, you know that teaching was not really in the game plan for my life at all as a high school or college student. As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember the thought come across my mind while I walked the halls of my high school of “why would anyone want to teach a bunch of high school kids”. Oh boy, life sure does have a way of taking some odd twists and turns.

Now that I have crossed the teenager/adult threshold, I often find myself having conversations with the kids I teach about their goals and dreams. On one hand I want to encourage every single dream they have and tell them to go for it with all they have. However, on the other hand, I know the harsh realities of life and how achieving those dreams typically takes longer and costs more than you ever planned. I also know that just because you think you know what you are going to do with your life as an 18 to 21 year old high school or college student, doesn’t mean that’s how it’s going to shake out. Now, are all of those ‘harsh realities’ bad? No, I actually think the harsh realities are what builds our character, although that doesn’t make them any less harsh.

As I think back to the naive girl I was when I moved to Texas, almost 13 years ago now, I can’t help but laugh a little. I was certain that life was a whole lot cheaper than it actually is. I had no idea of the realities of medical bills, property taxes, even how drastically an electric bill can vary based on the time of year it is and how hot or cold it may be outside. I was clueless to all of those things. That’s one reason I love to teach kids as much as a I can about the real world. I wish so badly that I would have been offered a basic real world finance class in high school rather than learning it in the school of hard knocks.

Let’s just get real honest though, regardless of the class I took or who told me what amazing advice, would I have listened? Probably not. Just like almost every teenager on the face of the planet, I had to experience the hard stuff for myself to really understand. That hard stuff is what humbles us. It also develops a compassion in us for what those around us are experiencing. When you experience something hard, it gives you a unique perspective that could be very useful in helping someone else. Rather than wishing for something else, maybe we should seek what we can learn in our rough spots. Easier said than done, for sure, but no less true.

So, although I sure didn’t think my life would turn out this way, I would not change the process of getting from where I was, to where I am now. Honestly, the person I was 13 years ago, is vastly different than the person I am now. I hope I will only continue to grow, learn, and change. If I was to get even more honest, I feel bad for people who have never been stretched. It’s easy to spot a person who has never been taken out of their comfort zone. Typically they are the ones who are hard to work with because they don’t have compassion for others. They are also the people who are very judgemental and have an opinion about how you are doing something, when they have never done it themselves.

I love these verses about this very topic (emphasis added): “Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” Galatians 6:1-5 NLT

So, rather than wishing life had turned out differently, lets instead embrace the craziness and use it to help others. Imagine a world when we all really did share each others’ burdens and humbly helped each other. Imagine what it would feel like to truly love others with the love that Christ has for us, and to receive that kind of love from others. What an amazing world that would be!

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Book Review: Always Enough, Never Too Much

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Anyone who knows me will agree that I tend to be incredibly outspoken and not afraid to share my opinion. Sometimes my big personality can be a bit overbearing. I often jump in when no one else speaks up. Because of that part of my personality, I often feel like I am a bit too much for people.  On the flip side of that, there is also a part of me that really wants to measure up and seeks approval. I think if we all get real honest, each one of us will fall more strongly into either the category of feeling like we are too much, or that we are not enough. If you are one of those people, this devotional is for you!

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This devotional is completely different than what you are use to. It is designed as a flip book. The first half of the book is the Always Enough section. There are fifty devotionals designed specifically for those days we may be feeling like we don’t exactly measure up. Those days when we feel inadequate or when we just don’t think we are good enough. The two authors, Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan, take turns writing unique devotionals based around a different verse each day. Here is an example:

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On the flip side (literally you have to flip the book upside down), there are devotionals written for those times we feel a little overbearing. The Never Too Much section of the book has fifty devotionals centered around different verses to remind us of how even those big, sometimes loud, parts of our personalities can be used in amazing ways in the kingdom of God. Here is a Never Too Much example (I often have no filter, which is why I picked this one):

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This is definitely a devotional that I have been enjoying and will continue to enjoy! I highly recommend checking it out. If you would like to snag a copy for free go here and enter your information. There are 5 copies up for grabs!

Maybe You Are Right Where You Need To Be

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When I was going through a lot of the events that drove me to write my first book, Finding God in the Wilderness, there were two primary stories in scripture that I spent a lot of time in. The first, of course, was the story of the Exodus about how the Israelites literally wandered through the wilderness. The other one was the story of Joseph (found starting in Genesis 37). I absolutely love the story of Joseph, especially the older I get and the more life experiences that I have.

I had a job several years ago that was absolutely miserable every single day. It wasn’t the work that was miserable, rather it was a couple of coworkers that made it hard. These particular coworkers loved to gossip. They would constantly be whispering to each other and often would go into one of their offices with the door closed so that they could more easily talk about others, often me (they didn’t realize I could often hear even when they had the door closed). It was incredibly discouraging. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am far from perfect. However, I try to be a hard worker and do whatever is expected of me at work. Knowing that I was often the topic of gossip was very frustrating, especially since one of the coworkers happened to be one of my superiors. That’s when I started to read the story of Joseph in a little different way.

Now, if you are familiar with the story you know that when Joseph was young, he was a bit of a bragger. He would tell his brothers of all his dreams that happened to involve them bowing down to worship him, probably not wise. This, along with Joseph being the obvious favorite with their father, caused the brothers to nearly kill him. They changed their mind at the last minute and decided to sell him into slavery instead. That is the moment God was really able to start doing some work in his life. Being in the position of a slave meant that he had no choice but to do what he was told to do. That is where some real maturity came in his life.

Sometimes we may not have a real choice of where we are at the moment. Maybe it is a job we don’t particularly love with a boss that gossips about us (like the position I was in), or possibly something much worse like a cancer diagnosis, loss of a job, or death in the family. What we can choose though is how we react to that situation. It is so easy to become negative, depressed, or even become like the people who are oppressing us. But we are called to a higher standard. Sometimes living up to a higher standard may end us up in a more frustrating situation, it sure did for Joseph. In holding to strict purity standards, he ended up in prison (see Genesis 39). But, in the sovereignty of God, that prison was the very vehicle to get Joseph to the throne to become the second most powerful man in Egypt.

Maybe your current prison, or situation, is the very thing that God is going to use to get you right into the center of His will. Just like Joseph, it won’t be immediately. It may take years to get from the place God currently has you to where He wants you, but can you choose to become a man or woman of integrity while you go from promise to fulfillment. It will take integrity though. Had Joseph given in to the desires of Potiphar’s wife, he probably wouldn’t have ended up in prison. On the other hand, he may have never left Potiphar’s household and probably would not have fulfilled his calling if he would have compromised.

I hope you will choose the path of integrity. Work hard, turn the other cheek, and speak highly of the very people who wish ill on you. God is glorified when we are Christ-like. The path to being promoted to where God wants you to be is through humbling yourself enough to be a servant wherever you may be. Perhaps, you are exactly where God wants you, He is just waiting on you to serve right where you are!

The Favor of the Lord

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Most Christians know the story of how David was anointed king as a young shepherd boy. In contrast, I don’t believe that everyone really knows how the man that preceded David as king, Saul, came to be king. I know that up until recently I didn’t really know the full back story   I honestly had never paid much attention to that part of the story. However, the other day, it occurred to me that both Saul and David had been anointed king. I wanted to know more about what caused Saul to lose his anointing.

It really is sad how most Christians, myself included, have thrown the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to King Saul. We know the part of the story of how he lost his anointing and was trying to kill the “man after God’s own heart”, David. But we tend to forget that in order for someone to lose an anointing, they must have been anointed to begin with. The moment that occured to me, it made me desperate to not repeat that pattern in my own life.

We all know that David came from a family who owned sheep. Did you know that Saul also came from a ranching family? His father had donkeys. One day those donkeys wandered off and Saul’s father, Kish, sent Saul and his servant to go find them. On that journey, Saul ended up meeting the Prophet Samuel and was anointed as the first King of Israel. (See 1 Samuel 9 and 10). It is really an incredible story of how God aligned several circumstances and key meetings to place this young donkey rancher into the position as king.  Saul really was hand picked by God. My favorite part of the story is that when it came time for Saul to be officially named as king, he went and hid. He wasn’t always prideful like what he became when he lost his anointing.

Saul reigned for forty years with apparently no issues. God was with him and he was successful. However, around the 40th year of his reign, he started to go his own way. God would speak through the prophet Samuel to Saul, and he started making slight turns down his own path. The first issue came when Samuel told Saul to wait to offer the sacrifice to the Lord until he arrived, and Saul wasn’t patient enough to wait. The final straw was when God gave Saul specific instructions about dealing with their enemies, the Amalekites, and he followed only the part of the instructions he wanted to follow. That was the moment he lost his anointing. What I find interesting is that even though he lost his anointing, he remained King for a time. God allowed Saul to stay in a position of power, He just was not with him. If you know the story, Saul rapidly descended into a state of suspicion, jealousy, and hatred.

The striking thing about Saul is that he is not remembered for his humble, God-fearing beginning. Rather, he is remembered for his hatred and jealousy. His legacy is not a positive one. As a leader he started out great. He was humble and hand-picked by God. In the end, God regretted placing him as king (see 1 Samuel 15:35). We must all strive to be like the leader Saul was in the beginning. We must not only start humble, we must all continue to be humble in whatever position we may be placed in. James 4:6 tells us“God opposes the proud, but he shows favor to the humble.”  When we remain humble, trusting and following God, he will show us tremendous favor. However, when we start trusting in ourselves and “fudging” on what we know God is asking us to do, He will not only remove that favor, scripture tells us He will actually oppose us.

 

Resolutions

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I have been thinking about new year’s resolutions today (like many other people). Although I always want to get healthier, get more organized, and become a better human overall, this year I think my focus is going to be more geared toward encouraging others. Specifically, encouraging my husband.

I had an enlightening conversation with my husband today as we came home from seeing my family in Colorado.  We were talking about how much our lives have changed in the last 10 1/2 years since we got married. If you would have told me back then what we would be up to today, I doubt I would believe it. As a 20-something newly-wed, I thought I knew the path my life would take. However, nearly 11 years later, I now know that I really don’t have a clue.  Proverbs 20:24 has it right when it says, “The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” I wouldn’t have it any other way, as hard as that is to admit. What struck me about that conversation though, is when he told me something to the extent of how important it is to have someone in your corner. He said that he always knows that no matter what decisions he makes that I will stand behind him. That statement really stuck with me. I realized that there is so much power in our words. That is why my resolution for this year is to simply do a better job of building others up, rather than tearing them down with my words.

So, I would like to challenge you to join me. Maybe it is your husband or wife that needs built up rather than torn down. Or maybe, you find yourself easily criticizing others at work or school. Or possibly you just find yourself looking only at the negative parts of your life and neglect focusing on all the blessings you may have. Whatever it is, make 2018 the best year yet!

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

How to Win With Toddlers

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I have 3 children age 5 and under.   Needless to say, on more days than others I am either completely worn out or simply shaking my head at the rapid rate that they can absolutely destroy a house. Most days, I could quite literally feed an army just from the crumbs on my floor. I am completely in awe of my friends with small children who live in fancy houses with new carpet and furniture and somehow manage to keep them nice. My husband and I moved into the house we are in now about 2 1/2 years ago and made the conscience decision when we moved in the house to keep the old carpet rather than get new. The only reason we made that decision was because of the tornadoes we like to refer to as children. Between spilled juice, bodily fluids, and mud we have not regretted that decision.

Having children is a very interesting thing. When you are first married and get together with your family or friends that have kids, you have all sorts of philosophies and opinions about things. For instance, if their kids are interrupting your conversations or being bratty at a restaurant, you will likely have the conversation on the way home that goes something like this:  “Can you believe how bratty that little boy was? I will tell ya one thing, if I ever have kids they will not act like that in public, they just had no control over him.” Now, fast forward a few years and all the sudden you realize just how wrong you were. Not only are your kids acting up in the restaurant, but when you jump on them and try to stop the issue, they explode in the loudest crying fit you have ever heard. They have such a melt down that you feel the urge to apologize to everyone in the restaurant, then hide out and never take your kids in public again. Life is funny that way. Kids are more unpredictable than you can ever imagine.

So, how exactly do you win when it comes to toddlers. Sadly, in short, you don’t. You will never be able to control every melt down and fit. However, slowly over time you can have small victories that will lead into bigger ones. I love the Amplified version of Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go [teaching him to seek God’s wisdom and will for his abilities and talents], even when he is old he will not depart from it.” When you train an animal it isn’t instant. It takes persistence and practice. It is the same with kids. They will not know how to act in public until they have practice. They won’t learn how to handle their emotions, until we show them over and over and over again.

Today was one of those days that I really need to lean into the wisdom of that verse. It was a day that as soon as a mess was cleaned up, another appeared. The day started with my youngest standing in her crib, while her poopy diaper that she had figured out how to take off laid on the floor.  My middle daughter chose to eat a stack of crackers all at once and created a massive cracker extravaganza on the floor. At one point I was folding laundry in one room and my youngest was dumping out an entire bag of Chex mix in another room. While I cleaned up that mess, that same child found a marker that her older sisters had been asked to put away and decided to draw all over her favorite baby dolls.  Even my almost 6 year old was not innocent, as she continually chooses to drag her favorite blanket (that happens to be a full sized quilt) all through the house, dragging every toy, crumb, and anything else along with it.

After almost 6 years of being a mother, I have slowly started learning to let go. Some days are amazing, some days (like today) I simply must shake my head and just deal with the mess. I definitely about lost my cool on several occasions today, but at the end of the day when my little girls just want a hug and a kiss before they go to bed, I remember how cool being a mom is.  The messes won’t last forever, but the impact I can make on my little girls will. I just pray that despite my impatience and imperfections, that my girls will all grow up to be the women of God that they are called to be.

 

Traditions

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I love traditions during the holidays. It doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas, Easter, or any other holiday or celebration, it seems like everyone has their own traditions. I know growing up we had a lot of traditions. Some that I have kept as an adult, some I haven’t. One of my favorite things is giving my girls Christmas pajamas that they get to open on Christmas Eve. After opening their jammies and getting them on, in my house we open one more gift filled with goodies and snacks to munch on while we watch a Christmas movie. Finally, after watching our movie, we read the Christmas story from my girls’ picture Bible and talk about the meaning of the holiday, set out cookies and milk, and head to bed.

So many Christians get a little crazy this time of year when it comes to the secular versus the “Christian”. I have heard radio broadcasts and podcast about how we need to not participate in the tradition of Santa or various other things because they take the focus off of the true meaning of Christmas. I would like to politely disagree. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t by any means believe that we should become commercial and focus only on greed and gifts, however, I do think that we can see Christ even in the secular.  The most interesting thing about so many of our so-called secular traditions is that they actually have roots in Christianity. Everything from Christmas trees to candy canes to Santa Claus himself have their beginnings either in a Christian tradition or because of the acts of Christians doing their best to serve God in the way they were called.

I think that during this time of the year, as a mother, my favorite thing is the combination of seeing the joy on my kids’ faces as we participate in the different traditions, and the joy of giving them gifts. I really didn’t understand as a kid how fun it is to give gifts to others. The older I get the more I understand Matthew 7:9-11 (NLT) where it says, “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

This got me to thinking about how often I have not been grateful for the gifts in my life.  How many times in our lives have we received a blessing, maybe a new job we had prayed for, healthy children, or simply a roof over our head and food in our belly, and not given thanks for it?  I know, for me at least, it has been far more often than I care to admit.  I sometimes get my feelings hurt when others are ungrateful, how must it grieve God every single day when we don’t even acknowledge the things He has done for us? We are told “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NLT).

    God is a wonderful gift giver, although, unlike us as parents sometimes, he gives us exactly what we need and not always what we want.  He is patient with us when we unwrap the gift to simply utter an insincere “thanks”.  He knows how even though it may not look like it, the lost job, missed promotion, or unfulfilled dream, are simply stepping stones to get us to where we are called to be. I hope that this Christmas you will keep your eyes on Christ in the middle of any tradition you may be celebrating. Also remember to always be thankful, no matter what your circumstances may be this holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

Koepke Family 2017

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!