It’s been a while since I wrote a more personal blog specifically about my own experiences with motherhood, but after a conversation I had with my husband a while back, I thought it was time.

This particular conversation happened on a date night that, until about the last six months, has been a pretty rare thing. (When you live a ways away from family and have young children, dates are rare luxuries. Fortunately our girls are finally old enough it’s easier to get away for a few hours now). I was explaining to him some of the struggles I have from time to time with feeling lonely in my role as a mom. Now, this loneliness is not because he doesn’t help or isn’t around. Rather, it is more due to the lack of close, intimate, female friendships that I have at this stage of life. I explained that women, especially once we become mothers, have very different life experiences than our male counterparts when it comes to how we relate to each other and even how friendships look. I thought I would share some of the differences I see, in hopes that other mommas out there might find a little relief knowing we are all in this together. As a disclaimer, this is in no means intended to bash on women or children, but rather to explain some of the differences in hopes of shining light in dark areas of our human experience.

Freedom

As a mom, especially when children are very little, we often find ourselves not having freedom to just pick up and do whatever we want. When you have a newborn and are nursing a baby, you can’t be away from the baby (or the pump) for more than a couple of hours at a time. You are tethered to that child and no matter how helpful dad is, it isn’t the same as what you as a mom experience. Even after nursing ends, kids have a special bond with their mom, that can make it difficult to have the freedom to get time to yourself or get time to spend with friends. When my girls were really little I couldn’t do anything, including hauling trash outside, without someone tagging along, or having a meltdown if they couldn’t. I have actually had to sneak out of my own house on occasion when I did have to leave the house without my girls. My husband, on the other hand, can come and go as he pleases without inciting a major meltdown.

It’s different for girls.

Having a night out

My husband is really good about being willing to take care of the girls so that I can do what I need to do. During the conversation I mentioned earlier, he even told me that anytime I need a girls’ night with friends, to go for it. However, I explained to him that the problem isn’t so much the freedom to go as it is having people to go with. At this phase of life we are all either in the same boat of chaotic schedules with kids and it’s impossible to get our schedules to line up, or they don’t have kids and are in a completely different realm of life where needing to be home at a decent time doesn’t yet exist. It’s funny watching all the movies with the moms going on a girls’ night out because I know so few moms that actually ever do that. Especially moms like me who moved into town after all the friendship groups were already created.

It’s different for girls.

Walls

Beyond any logistical issues that may arise with friendships in the throws of motherhood, is probably the most difficult barrier to overcome; the walls that we as females put up, and often tend to live behind. I remember when my husband was coaching football and how all the men formed a brotherhood. They were a tight group that could poke at each other and still be best friends. They were all pretty confident guys who, for the most part, never felt the need to impress anyone. They were real with each other. As a coach’s wife, all of us women were together an awful lot as well. Although I always got along with everyone, the dynamics among the women were completely different.

Women are so much more guarded with each other than men are. It is often so hard to get to know another woman on anything more than surface level without years of relationship to slowly tear down those walls. We also tend to feel a sense of competition among each other. As a coach’s wife I often felt like I was looked at as less than when my husband coached at the junior high level, but was more of the group when he moved up to the high school. I know that it was never intentional, but women can be cruel without ever realizing it. We as women also feel like we need to show only our best selves, which hinders real, authentic relationships. Social media has only amplified that problem over the last 10 years. Women like to hide their flaws, while men often make fun of themselves for their flaws

It’s different for girls.

So what can we do? Honestly, I really don’t have an answer for that. I don’t think there is an easy solution. However, I really want to challenge women like me (and including me) to try to let your guard down a little. I know that so many of us have been wounded by friends in the past when we got too real and vulnerable (myself included). Yet, we will never have an authentic relationship if we ourselves can’t be authentic. Get to know those other mommas! Be vulnerable about your struggles and shortcomings. And, for crying out loud, quit competing and comparing and lets start encouraging each other. Motherhood is the hardest, sweetest, most frustrating, rewarding thing I have ever experienced. Find someone to share your experiences with.

It’s different for girls, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.